How I Got to This Point

Lord willing, I will be moving to Ghana in the spring of 2013 to start a ministry to teenage girls. Unfortunately this also means that I will be leaving a church family that I dearly cherish. Memphis has been a wonderful home to me and I will always cherish this place. It breaks my heart to leave so many people that I love.

However, God has worked powerfully to lead me this decision. The way was never laid out all at once, but He has faithfully revealed the path turn by turn. He has shown great kindness in making the choice very clear. There has been no throwing out of a fleece required to come to this conclusion. I created this blog for those of you who want to have a better understanding of how I arrived at this decision. The entries prior to this include prayers I have written over the past few years and emails to a few trusted friends asking for prayers and wisdom. This decision was made in community and led by the Spirit in ways clearer than I have ever experienced before.

My purpose is to share with you the process that I went through to land here. Thoughts and ideas change over time in a process, so please give me grace along the way as great ideas and terrible ideas are all shared. 

I hope what you read will 

create an avenue of understanding, 

be a testimony of God's Faithfulness, 

and inspire your belief in the power of prayer and the work of the Holy Spirit.

Confirmation Abounds

An Email Dated August 10, 2012

God continues to do amazing work in this journey! I got to see the Oklahoma group in Winneba while both of our mission teams were in Ghana. It was like a scene from a movie. As the White Station team finished up our work with a soccer tournament in Kweikrom, a truck arrived to pick me up and take me to Winneba where the rest of the Oklahoma team was having Sunday night worship services. I arrived as they were finishing up the closing song and prayer. Everyone filed out of the church and went over to a field ... for the dedication of the land that the Pearl House will be built on!!! I kind of freaked out and got really excited all at the same time. Steve, the youth minister from Oklahoma, was one of the last ones to come out of the building. He gave me a big hug and started filling me in on the plans they are dreaming up. He pointed one direction and I saw a line of palm trees with the ocean just beyond. It is 2 or 3 miles away and there's a great breeze coming off the ocean. I knew we would be close to the ocean, but that is still an exciting fact nonetheless. Next we turned to our right a little bit and he said "and here's a mountain." That is the moment when I knew. I got chills all up and down my arms. You see, while this mountain isn't quite the Smoky mountains, and definitely not the Rockies, it is still a mountain. Mountains remind me of Knoxville where I grew up. When I think of mountains I think of home. I feel a sense of security, familiarity and assurance of God's power. What a gift. ... We were on the property together for less than an hour. There was a prayer of dedication for the land, a groundbreaking ceremony and we had a few discussions here and there about where the house should sit, etc. All of this was super exciting and overwhelming. I was not expecting to step into such a ceremonial event, but it was such a great blessing to be there. 

A view of the coastline from the property where the Pearl House will be built.

When the time came to leave Ghana I was sad once again, but felt a bit more peace that I will be back sometime soon. We got home on a Monday evening and I spent that week starting to process all that happened during my time in Winneba. It was then that I realized the people in Oklahoma are for real about all of this. They are raising money, there's a logo, there's magazine articles, there's pictures on facebook - it is all very concrete for them. Which is super exciting, but also a little weird for me over here by myself. True to form, I am doing a lot of internal processing and am getting to talk about it some trusted friends, but I still felt a little anxious about all of it for a couple of days. Well ... on Friday of that week I got a text from Courtney in Oklahoma that said, "I'm in town! Let's hang out!" We met at Starbucks that night for the very first time. It was super fun and exciting to see that she's a real person and that God is at work in both of our lives! I felt completely at peace after spending an hour or two with Courtney and some of her friends. God is faithfully laying this out for us step by step, no need to start freaking out now! 

Courtney and I meeting for the first time at Starbucks.

About a week and a half after coffee with Courtney I was at camp with our students when God reminded me yet again that He is still in this thing. My precious intern Laura Jean came up to me on Wednesday morning at camp and said "The Lord has given me a vision for you." I said, "Alright, let's hear it." She said "I see a white door with some black stuff on it, it's not demons or evil, it's like a fog. The Lord wants you to know that the fog is lifting and clarity is coming and a big change is coming your way." !!!!!!!!!!!!!! How cool is that!?!? It's funny, I wasn't even surprised when she said that. It just added more peace in my heart and furthered my confidence that the Lord is all over this. 

A tiny tidbit to add to the continued craziness --  Courtney's birthday is August 3rd and mine is August 7th. We were both given almost identical silver necklaces with pearls on them for our birthdays. 

So where do things stand now? Next Thursday, August 16th, I am going to Oklahoma to spend some time planning and praying with Courtney, Steve and others who are involved in the dream of The Pearl House. So far this thing has been happening TO us, which is awesome. We are going to try to get ahead of the game a little bit and make some plans. All the while praying for God to be as in the middle of it all as He has from the beginning. 

Prayer Requests: 

1. For our weekend of planning to go well. For the Lord to lay things out for us. For Him to remind us of what we are forgetting. To give us eyes to see potential difficulties and how we can plan ahead for them. 

2. Pray for me to continue to be in a place where I am seeing and hearing the Lord regularly. He has been so faithful, I want to be the same. 

The Door Swings Wide Open

An Email Dated May 19, 2012

I haven’t had much to share since last August. Through the fall months I pursued several options related to Ghana, but each of them fell through after a little exploration. After a few months of that I decided to just settle into enjoying my current job and let Africa happen when it happens. Then comes March!

I think this story is best told through my prayer journal …

journal entry tuesday, march 13, 2012

“Question of the week: Is wanting to go to Ghana, rather than another African country, selfish? Am I “called” to Africa or to Ghana? Is going to Ghana just what I want to do? And is that bad?

journal entry thursday, march 22, 2012

“As time marches on and summer approaches I so badly want to be intentional in my walk with you and in making an Africa plan. So far my take on it this year has been very peaceful. I enjoy my job, I would like to go to Africa, but I would like it to be of you and not my manipulation.

On Monday night I showed up as usual at REP (tutoring program for African refugees). There was a youth group there hanging out. When I walked up Mr. Jules said, “Hey, this guy goes to Ghana.” So I started talking with Steve Bullard – a youth pastor in Oklahoma. He told me his wife just got home from a survey trip to Ghana. She wants to start an organization that ministers to teenage girls that are on the streets and prostitutes in Accra. They have a 24-year-old girl from their church that wants to go over there for a year. As he talked I kept asking more and more questions, my jaw dropping and heart leaping the whole time. Is this the one? Is this my chance? Oh Father, this sounds so perfect. Ministering to teenage girls in Accra. This whole journey started as a passion for Africa – thoughts were on adoption, nonprofit and on moving there. I finally settled on the idea of moving there. Then it was Liberia or Zambia – but my heart was still not feeling right with it. Ghana, teenagers and females is where my heart has recently come to rest. I still remember the faces of those women at the vocational center we visited years ago in Accra. I’ve been concerned at my heart’s narrowing of purpose, feeling like I was being selfish in telling you what I want to do. But now I wonder if it was your wonderful work of preparation.”

It took me a week to even be able to verbalize this story to anyone other than the Lord. I slowly started to tell a few of you eventually, but it has still taken me some time to get to the point of telling this story. I think it’s because I felt like God and I had an amazing secret and I didn’t want to mess it up by talking about it. I don’t know what is going to happen, but I feel like that conversation was a gift from Him, affirmation that He sees me and He hears me.

God’s faithfulness continues to be displayed as I have talked with Steve’s wife, named COURTNEY several times. Just so you can see a little piece of her side of the story, she got home from her first trip to Ghana on a Friday in March feeling very overwhelmed. The location she thought would be ideal for this ministry turned out to not feel like the right place. She still wanted to make this dream come true but was struggling with how to make it happen, how to get it going, how were they going to find an American to be on the ground permanently. I met Steve THREE days later on Monday. Did I mention that Courtney is 33,and they have a daughter named Francesca? … I’m 33 and my middle name is Frances. I’m not trying to get all superstitious here, but there’s no denying that the Lord is in the middle of all this.

Courtney and I have continued to talk and plan. The name for this ministry to teenage girls is the Pearl House. There’s a Ghanaian man that Courtney and Steve’s church works with named Bishop Odai. He is a man of God that has been praying for a ministry like this to be started by someone. It turns out that his church ministry happens to have some land in Winneba that He is willing to offer for the Pearl House. Winneba is about 30 to 45 minutes away from the Village of Hope. That’s right, it could very well be that the Pearl House ends up located just down the road from the place I know best in Ghana. The place that people I know visit several times a year. The place that has a great medical clinic. The place where I already have friends, support and wise counsel. …. Oh my, our God is good at what He does!!!!

By God's grace, it turns out that Steve’s mission team will be in Ghana at the same time I am there with our group in June. They will be visiting Winneba one day while we are there, so I am hoping to join their group that afternoon to meet Bishop Odai and some other Oklahomans that are interested in getting this work up and going.

I am very at peace about all of this. I don’t feel the need to try to figure it out. I don’t feel anxious. A tiny part of me is scared because I think this time it might really happen. A larger part of me is really excited because I think this time it might really happen.

Prayer Requests:

*Please pray that it will work out for me to go to Winneba when the Oklahoma team is there.

*Pray that the Lord will continue to give me peace in the process and the faith to go where He leads.

*Pray that the fundraising aspects will come together in a way that’s better than I could ever imagine.

When I look back over the notes I have sent asking for prayer I can see how God is clearly answering prayers. I pray that He is dreaming up good works for each of us to live out each and every day. 

A Chapter Closes

March 31, 2011

I got back from Zambia Tuesday afternoon and am trying to catch up on life, work and everything else. I'm jet-lagged enough that I haven't done any serious "what now" thinking yet. I look forward to telling stories at some point. Until then I'll leave you with the journal entry I wrote on my last flight - from Atlanta to Memphis.

"As reentry rapidly approaches my mind is filled with a variety of thoughts, mostly centered around praise to your glorious Name. It is by your grace that I have made it through every step of this journey. There were 8 flight segments in all - all of which worked out beyond seamlessly. There was always food to eat and water to drink. You provided friends and guides through uncharted territories for me. I witnessed your glory through the mountains of CO, through the canyons and parks out west, through the people of Zambia, through Victoria Falls, and countless sunrises and sunsets. You have been evident and near each and every day. I see your faithfulness O God, I see it.

I do not feel like I have all the answers, maybe not even any answers. But I do feel very reassured of your faithfulness, very grounded in who you are, and am rejoicing in your truth."

May 22, 2011

It's hard to believe I've been home from Zambia for two months. If this decision were the proverbial fence I have been on all sides of it, including crawling in a hole and hiding from it. Some weeks I have felt like I'm moving, no question about it. Other weeks I have wondered why on earth I would consider giving up the comforts and community that I have here in Memphis. Is this a work God is really calling me to?

So of course, I have created logical steps to follow in order to make this decision, in hopes that God will slowly get my heart to a place of accepting whatever the decision ends up being. I've been seeking wisdom from trusted friends as the chance comes along, taking time to reflect/journal/read with this decision in mind once a week, put some hard questions out to the Zambian mission leaders and got no red flags in response, met with other supporters of the work and have started a budget plan.

I had hoped to make a decision before the summer got going. However, I think that's going to be way too stressful. I'm going to give it time and see where God takes my heart. I think the busy nature of the summer may be good for this process in a way.

Whenever you think about it, I'd love for you to pray for these things specifically:

*for me to be fully present in youth ministry this summer

*for God to lead my heart to a peaceful resolution on Zambia over the next few months (ie. a burning passion I can't forget or a giant red flag that says don't go)

August 18, 2011

As I look back at what I wrote at the end of May I can see God's work in answering prayers.

Whenever you think about it, I'd love for you to pray for these things specifically:

*for me to be fully present in youth ministry this summer

*for God to lead my heart to a peaceful resolution on Zambia over the next few months (ie. a burning passion I can't forget or a giant red flag that says don't go)

It was a great WSYG summer for me. I feel more connected to a variety of kids than I have in several years. I'm even getting to know the jr high kids better and that's been really fun. So I definitely feel like I was and am fully present in the youth ministry. 

I think I have a peaceful resolution on Zambia. I'm not ready to completely shut the door because it's my only option, but that's the only reason I'm still considering it. I of course loved my time in Ghana this June and realized how much I love that country after being in Zambia. There is just an incredible spirit about the people of Ghana - even the strangers you meet. I feel so much more peaceful when I think about going to Ghana, I think it's because I already know people there and feel like I would at least have a small network of friends. 

The whole financial aspect is becoming a little more real and scary to me in this economy. I know God's economy is bigger than mine, but not many churches are getting new missionaries right now. 

I'm growing weary of hearing myself think and talk about this and am ready to do something. Just don't know what that is.

So in review ... I like my current ministry. I still long for Africa and feel like that is what God has prepared me for. I would like to go to Ghana, but have nowhere to go work. 

I think I would like you to pray specifically that God would prepare a place for me in Ghana. 

November 17th, 2011

As for Africa, I am waiting and watching. I would love to know what’s going to happen but I am at peace with waiting you out. Lay it out before me when it is time.

Email to a few friends dated January 2011

They say life is a journey. That is most assuredly what I feel like I’ve been on for the past few years.  When I started visiting the Village of Hope I remember thinking, “I love this place, but I could never live here.” Over time my love for that place has grown deeper and deeper. But a year and a half ago my love started growing wider as well.

After my trip to Ghana in 2009, I was an emotional wreck. I could not stop thinking about a homeless orphaned baby that I had never even met. My heart was breaking for that child and I was ready to take go back and get him. I even went so far as to email adoption agencies in Ghana to see what the options were. After that situation worked out through many prayers (the grandparents showed up to care for the child) I was left with a lot of emotions to sort out. After 3 or 4 months I finally landed with the following conclusions in conversations with God (from my prayer journal): 1. You want me to be passionately praying for the people of Africa. Period. That’s it. Be a righteous woman fighting on behalf of these children.  2. Maybe you are preparing me to move to Africa in 10 or 20 years.  3. You are preparing my heart for international adoption. 4. Maybe you are preparing me to do some non-profit work raising sponsorships and awareness here in the U.S.

These options were enough to settle my mind in patient prayer. My interactions with friends in Ghana increased a lot over that year as Facebook and phone communications became more readily available. Since that time I think it is fair to say that a day has not passed where I did not think about, pray for or communicate with one of my Ghanaian friends.

Now back to that love that is growing deep and wide … My heart has been expanding to have concern for people all over the continent, not just the ones that I know. It seems like resources, organizations, blogs and books about Africa are finding me regularly. I have spent many hours thinking about effective ministry and missionary theology. What is best for the native people there? What good could I do that a native African could not do? Is it better to adopt or to move there? What about my family and friends here? What can a single female do as a missionary? What church would support me? What if I can’t handle it? Most of those questions remain unanswered. What I do know is that these thoughts and questions are not going to go away. I never imagined myself doing anything other than youth ministry, so I believe it is the heart of God leading me down this path. I remember when I was on the forever-long search for a youth ministry position my peace was in the knowledge that when I delight in God, He will give me passions and a way to use them. It feels like the same thing is happening. I desperately want to find my delight in God and it feels like He is moving my passions to mission work. 

The next step on this journey is just around the corner. I am planning to go to Zambia in March. My purpose is to visit a missionary couple there that is interested in having some additional help. They are currently working with a Bible college and want some help in getting some humanitarian programs off the ground. My passion lies in orphan care of some form. So, my goal is to go there, see the work being done, and find out if there is work for me to do there. I have no idea what will come of it, but feel confident that this is a good next step.

I need your prayers. This is something I desperately want and deeply fear all at the same time. Perhaps this journey will lead me to living in Africa or perhaps it will lead me right back to youth ministry. What I do know is that this journey makes me feel alive in Christ and very dependent on his grace each day. I want to be a part of carrying His Name to the ends of the earth. 

Bits and Pieces from 2010

May 11, 2010

The past year has been such a journey of emotions regarding your calling on my life. I still love the students and feel like I am effective with that. I, however, do not know what to do with all my emotions surrounding Africa. I love orphans. I love Ghanaian culture. What I don’t know is if I love more than just the Ghanaian culture. What about Liberia? Togo? Tanzania? Kenya? Uganda?

What are you dreaming Lord? I want to dream your dreams and to live life in the river of your Kingdom. I want to be so caught up in your Kingdom desires that I get lost and there is only you that remain.

May 17th, 2010

I am so very thankful for every single day that I get to spend here in Ghana. It is exhausting because it takes me so long to go to sleep, but so worth it. Lord, I have no idea if I could do this long term or not. When I am weak I am strong in you, so maybe that would be the way to make it happen!

August 10th, 2010

I loved every moment in Ghana. I love those kids. God, I just don’t know how to tell if my feelings about Ghana are the same as everyone else’s or if they are special. Is it the same love everyone else has or is it you moving my heart somewhere else? If you are thinking about Africa or Ghana, what would/could I do? I would love to be a youth minister there, but I have much to learn culturally before that happens. I don’t know how to move off center where these emotions are concerned. I have had this conversation in my mind for a year now. I am fine with waiting. But I don’t want to wait out of fear of finding the truth.

August 29th, 2010

Thursday morning was coffee with Jim. That was a really good conversation – so filled with emotion again though. We talked about Africa a lot. My feelings and thoughts are all over the page, but it sounded like all of my “maybe nots” are just fears. God, I know it is more overwhelming than anything I can imagine, but I am really starting to think this is something I want to do and I feel like maybe you are leading me to do it. I don’t think it’s because I am tied of youth ministry or running away from something here. It is still scary to think about, but also exciting.

August 31st, 2010

Lord, I ask that you will prepare a place and a work for me in Africa. When the time comes, please give me courage to go. I am kind of astounded by those words, but I mean them. There, I said it.

A Journal Entry from January 5, 2010

A couple of crazy things happened at Youth In Action last week along these lines. I was talking to David and telling how much I love the work in Africa that I have been getting to do. The next day he told me that he told Melissa about our conversation and that when I talked about Africa I seemed to come alive with passion. He said, "I don’t know what you’ll end up doing, but whatever it is will have something to do with that."  It was encouraging for me to hear someone else affirm that truth.

Right before Christmas I also had an interesting lunch with Merritt. I cannot quite remember it well enough for an adequate retelling, but it definitely made me think. She gave words to some of the tension I have been feeling. Both in the area of adoption and of mission work, there is this tension of feeling like a white person with the intentions of swooping in and saving the day. Taking African children out of their culture through adoption for example. Would it be more effective to meet children where they are? To come and live in their community and care for them where they live. Isn’t that what I believe is the most effective way to minister in Memphis? To go live in the place where you want to minister to people. I just haven’t found that reason and purpose yet, I just feel my heart drawn to the continent of Africa. My thoughts on all of this are so jumbled right now. I’m just sticking with the plan of writing all of it out, messy as it may be, and trusting you to lay out all of the puzzle pieces.  Thank you!

Where it started ...

This is the journal entry where I started thinking through what God was starting to lay on my heart. 

November 10, 2009

I’ve had so many feelings about Africa welling up inside me for some time now. Several days ago I decided to just set this time aside to think this thing through, but even now I am hesitant to start unraveling of the thoughts and emotions surrounding the very idea of Africa.

Since the first time I got to go to Ghana years ago, I have loved being in Africa. I’ve loved the children. I’ve loved how it smells. I love the sounds there. I love how I feel. I love the worship. I love the people. I love the spirit that is there. I love it.

This year I loved being in Ghana more than ever. Sure, I get tired of living in a house full of people, but I think that is to be expected. When we were told about the abandoned boy on that last night it really got my heart all worked up. I could not stop thinking about that boy. Since the story has unraveled a bit and he has gone to be with family members, my thoughts regarding him have died down, but my thoughts of Africa have not. My thoughts in the past were always around my love for the Village of Hope and the people of Senya. My heart is changing to be more excited, interested and passionate about the continent of Africa as a whole. I want to see that continent healed. I dream of children who are not abandoned and who do not die of easily cured of diseases. I dream of clean water available to everyone.

Lately I have had dreams about Africa. I think of it day and night. I see faces of children. I’m curious about what is going on in Liberia. Katie’s blog in Uganda is amazing to me. She just turned 21 years old and has been living in there by herself for 2 years. She has adopted 13 children!!!! How is that even possible? Lord, I feel you leading a lot of this. But I also see my selfish nature in a lot of this.

Where I see you … I see you in the fact that I cannot stop thinking about the children of Africa. I see you in that the topic surfaces so much emotion, and that is not an easily surfaced emotion for me. You made me a person who is very independent and able to survive without tons of friends.

Where I see that it is about me … I feel like it is all about me to a degree because so many of the reasons I love Ghana are selfish. So many of the things I mentioned at the beginning are all about self and comfort.

My fears …

Being so far from family and friends, not knowing how to be culturally sensitive, not representing you well enough in the way I live, doing it for the wrong reasons. I don’t want to be a white person who goes over to “fix” everything. Is there a need for more people over there? Or is the need for financial support and development of healthy systems? I think that’s why I feel like it may be selfish to just decide to go. I am so self-centered!

I started out a month ago thinking that I want to go to Africa, but that you are not calling me there. Now I’m thinking that you very well could be in the middle of it all. Right now I see that all of this thought and emotion could mean one of four things.

1.    You want me to be passionately praying for the people of Africa. Period. That’s it. Be a righteous woman fighting on behalf of these children.

2.    Maybe you are preparing me to move to Africa in 10 or 20 years.

3.    You are preparing my heart for international adoption.

4.    Maybe you are preparing me to do some non-profit work raising sponsorships and awareness here in the U.S.

I think the thing that is most frustrating to me is not knowing how to put all of these emotions and feelings into a neat little box. I like knowing what to do with my emotions and so this has been terribly frustrating and saddening. However, over the past few days I find myself coming to a bit of a more peaceful place regarding this idea. It is not time for any decisions to be made. It is time for me to be committed to the ministry you have laid out in front of me … and it is time to wait.

Bottom line is that I want to feel like I’m doing something. I know the needs that are there and I am still just going about life just like normal. Buying clothes, eating out and getting worked up about inconsequential things.

Lord, I pray for the ears to hear your heart on this matter. I pray that you will be the one who plants desires in my heart. In that I pray too that you will be the one who acknowledges and carries out the desires of my heart. I pray that you will bring clarification when it is time to act and that you will give me patience in the meantime. I do not want to miss out on anything you have laid out before me because of fear. So Lord please do not let fear blind me to your heart and dreams. It may be one of those things that isn’t necessarily specifically laid out, but I think I’m going to need for it to be. You are good Lord. Thank you for letting me experience Ghana. I pray that you will give me opportunities to experience more of Africa. Lord, you are faithful and I want to be the same. Where you lead me I will follow.  I LOVE YOU LORD!!!