Where it started ...

This is the journal entry where I started thinking through what God was starting to lay on my heart. 

November 10, 2009

I’ve had so many feelings about Africa welling up inside me for some time now. Several days ago I decided to just set this time aside to think this thing through, but even now I am hesitant to start unraveling of the thoughts and emotions surrounding the very idea of Africa.

Since the first time I got to go to Ghana years ago, I have loved being in Africa. I’ve loved the children. I’ve loved how it smells. I love the sounds there. I love how I feel. I love the worship. I love the people. I love the spirit that is there. I love it.

This year I loved being in Ghana more than ever. Sure, I get tired of living in a house full of people, but I think that is to be expected. When we were told about the abandoned boy on that last night it really got my heart all worked up. I could not stop thinking about that boy. Since the story has unraveled a bit and he has gone to be with family members, my thoughts regarding him have died down, but my thoughts of Africa have not. My thoughts in the past were always around my love for the Village of Hope and the people of Senya. My heart is changing to be more excited, interested and passionate about the continent of Africa as a whole. I want to see that continent healed. I dream of children who are not abandoned and who do not die of easily cured of diseases. I dream of clean water available to everyone.

Lately I have had dreams about Africa. I think of it day and night. I see faces of children. I’m curious about what is going on in Liberia. Katie’s blog in Uganda is amazing to me. She just turned 21 years old and has been living in there by herself for 2 years. She has adopted 13 children!!!! How is that even possible? Lord, I feel you leading a lot of this. But I also see my selfish nature in a lot of this.

Where I see you … I see you in the fact that I cannot stop thinking about the children of Africa. I see you in that the topic surfaces so much emotion, and that is not an easily surfaced emotion for me. You made me a person who is very independent and able to survive without tons of friends.

Where I see that it is about me … I feel like it is all about me to a degree because so many of the reasons I love Ghana are selfish. So many of the things I mentioned at the beginning are all about self and comfort.

My fears …

Being so far from family and friends, not knowing how to be culturally sensitive, not representing you well enough in the way I live, doing it for the wrong reasons. I don’t want to be a white person who goes over to “fix” everything. Is there a need for more people over there? Or is the need for financial support and development of healthy systems? I think that’s why I feel like it may be selfish to just decide to go. I am so self-centered!

I started out a month ago thinking that I want to go to Africa, but that you are not calling me there. Now I’m thinking that you very well could be in the middle of it all. Right now I see that all of this thought and emotion could mean one of four things.

1.    You want me to be passionately praying for the people of Africa. Period. That’s it. Be a righteous woman fighting on behalf of these children.

2.    Maybe you are preparing me to move to Africa in 10 or 20 years.

3.    You are preparing my heart for international adoption.

4.    Maybe you are preparing me to do some non-profit work raising sponsorships and awareness here in the U.S.

I think the thing that is most frustrating to me is not knowing how to put all of these emotions and feelings into a neat little box. I like knowing what to do with my emotions and so this has been terribly frustrating and saddening. However, over the past few days I find myself coming to a bit of a more peaceful place regarding this idea. It is not time for any decisions to be made. It is time for me to be committed to the ministry you have laid out in front of me … and it is time to wait.

Bottom line is that I want to feel like I’m doing something. I know the needs that are there and I am still just going about life just like normal. Buying clothes, eating out and getting worked up about inconsequential things.

Lord, I pray for the ears to hear your heart on this matter. I pray that you will be the one who plants desires in my heart. In that I pray too that you will be the one who acknowledges and carries out the desires of my heart. I pray that you will bring clarification when it is time to act and that you will give me patience in the meantime. I do not want to miss out on anything you have laid out before me because of fear. So Lord please do not let fear blind me to your heart and dreams. It may be one of those things that isn’t necessarily specifically laid out, but I think I’m going to need for it to be. You are good Lord. Thank you for letting me experience Ghana. I pray that you will give me opportunities to experience more of Africa. Lord, you are faithful and I want to be the same. Where you lead me I will follow.  I LOVE YOU LORD!!!